I want to believe.
This sickens me.
I have made my best attempt to flee bitterness and a jaded state, but what can I do? Motherfuckers continue to disappoint me. In my mind, I know, it is an illusion. But my “heart” still holds out that my reason is wrong and that mankind is inherently good. I am certain the outcome of such a scurrilous discoveries will only enforce my misanthropy to an unbearable degree.
Expectations are the seeds of disappointment. I have learned that lesson. However, as logical as I strive to be, there is a weak yet overpowering desire in me to hope. I curse myself! Hope. Even thinking it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Fuck hope. Fucking hope. Hope can kiss my ass. Hope don’t build bridges, craftsmen do. Hope don’t fill a bowl. Farmers do. Hope don’t do a goddamn thing. ‘Cept waste a shitton of time. Save your hope, man, and give me action every day.
The Buddha said, “I do not see what is done, I see what needs to be done.” And then you do it. But I got so wrapped up in fucking America and what not and now, man it is so ugly here and I miss not paying attention. But it is not actually my bitterness that disturbs me, it is my willingness to believe charismatic leaders who tell me what Wikileaks will reveal as a lie. How do you ever get a fair shake when the people you trust are lying right to your face while they and the banks roll in fat stacks of cash made by the criminally despicable practice of foreclosures as your beloved country crumbles making billionaires richer?
I have trust issues. No doubt. An exact microcosmic replica exists in my workplace, and in your workplace. This is the fractals of karma. It is so goddamn ridiculous that I can barely stand to take part in society anymore. One step away from living with wolves. BY PREFERENCE.
This is not that though.
It is about coming clean.
I jumped the gun. I sowed my seeds of expectation and did not reap what I imagined I would. Is that Obama’s fault? No. No. No. That is all me. And man. I hate this tax compromise. But I appreciate compromise. I am so proud of the repeal for DADT, that even if Obama did not secure the START treaty nor MISSION ACCOMPLISH the ZADROGA Bill, well lets just say I was reticent to believe he could get any let alone all of this done. And I was wrong. I was temporarily bitter. And that was hasty. I apologize President Obama.
Do not get me wrong. I am still bitter. And jaded. I do not implicitly trust anyone. No Dem, Pub, Lib, Con. I view the world through indiscriminately squinted eyes. My dad taught me that. But I have to give props were they’re due. I was too quick to deride you. I apologize for my emails. I just wanted what was best for my brethren and if we have to trade taxes for human rights and dignity, I shall not judge the path you take. Thank you. I am sorry.
I spoke too soon. (I still don’t trust anyone, but I shan’t blame them when they don’t hold their words, because that does not necessitate my believing them. Sadly Hume was right, we can never “know” Zuangzi told me so.)
Fucking hope. Gets me every time.