Ok. So what I mean to say is that I am utterly heartbroken. I have witnessed behavior by humans that crush my humanity. I am fortunate enough to know a handful of people who are as great as it would take half the world to be, but the others out number them by a huge margin. And mosquitos may be small, but one can kill you with one bite, swarms could destroy millions of lives. The terrifying inundation of it all.
I wonder if I am cut out for this life. This path. I wonder if I have overshot my capacity. I even wonder what’s the point. The shame.
Horse hair shirt. Meditative Contemplation. Walk in the woods. Bam. Back to good.
Mostly. However, as I have molded and accepted this pattern and wisdom hovers above me, I am “blindsided” by opportunity to witness yet another unforeseen human catastrophe unfold in my presence. By now, I would have hoped that I could learn to avoid it. Ah, but then I think, maybe this is not about me this time.
I feel a little windblown.
Tornado. Hurricane. Tsunami.
I continue to disprove my theory of Bullet Proofing. Lesson learned. Or is it.
I know anger fades away as does joy through out the day, but the heartache of trying to help someone over a wall while all they do is kick you in the gut, or punch you in the face, or stab you in the back is goddamn insultingly hurtful.
Its daunting to say the least. Not mad, just sad. A kind of Sad incense that lingers in your clothes even after you leave your house. I still love ’em. But it is usually because I logic it, and decreasingly so when I feel.
Because I gotta, not cause I wanna.
Forgive me. I am just tired. I appreciate the faith that swirls in my direction. How lucky am I? Very. Even if I just need some rest. namaste,