just keep swimming


Ok. So what I mean to say is that I am utterly heartbroken. I have witnessed behavior by humans that crush my humanity. I am fortunate enough to know a handful of people who are as great as it would take half the world to be, but the others out number them by a huge margin. And mosquitos may be small, but one can kill you with one bite, swarms could destroy millions of lives.  The terrifying inundation of it all.

I wonder if I am cut out for this life. This path. I wonder if I have overshot my capacity. I even wonder what’s the point.  The shame.

 

Horse hair shirt. Meditative Contemplation. Walk in the woods. Bam. Back to good.

 

Mostly.  However, as I have molded and accepted this pattern and wisdom hovers above me, I am “blindsided” by opportunity to witness yet another unforeseen human catastrophe unfold in my presence. By now, I would have hoped that I could learn to avoid it. Ah, but then I think, maybe this is not about me this time.

I feel a little windblown.

Tornado. Hurricane. Tsunami.

I continue to disprove my theory of Bullet Proofing. Lesson learned. Or is it.

 

I know anger fades away as does joy through out the day, but the heartache of trying to help someone over a wall while all they do is kick you in the gut, or punch you in the face, or stab you in the back is goddamn insultingly hurtful.

 

Its daunting to say the least. Not mad, just sad. A kind of Sad incense that lingers in your clothes even after you leave your house.  I still love ’em. But it is usually because I logic it, and decreasingly so when I feel.

Because I gotta, not cause I wanna.

 

Dear Universe,

Forgive me. I am just tired. I appreciate the faith that swirls in my direction. How lucky am I? Very. Even if I just need some rest. namaste,

jaz

 

Advertisements

About Janis Alanis

Thinker, BS detector, champion of Reason. Unafraid. Ticked off, and riled up. View all posts by Janis Alanis

2 responses to “just keep swimming

  • Melynda

    This life, all lives, are only for learning how to love. You know that. You taught me that. Passionate detachment. I learned that from you.

    • Janis Alanis

      i almost fainted and threw up when I read that. ME??? No. couldn’t possibly be the case. I am beyond humbled that you would give me credit for something you give me examples in in every exchange. Namaste. I don’t deserve you. But I will spend the rest of my life trying.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: